The PIGS Next Door
by GDeNofa
Summary: You all know about the Three Little Pigs and how they outsmart the Big Bad Wolf. So what happens when a treasured tale becomes a horrible headache? Tags: little red riding hood seven kids goats
1. A Little R and R

_Author's note: If you have read the reviews and wonder who Jane is, you probably have concluded that the reluctant heroine of the story has had a name change. And if you are coming back for a second read, no worries, Jade remains her snappy, snarky self XP_

* * *

><p><em><span>A Little R and R<span>_

Recently upon a time in a serene, scenic setting, a woman drove up to a house she just purchased. She was a school teacher. And after the demanding days with two dozen, elementary students, she decided to leave her cramped apartment for the quaint, ranch home for space and tranquility.

Standing along the house's property and elated about the woman's arrival, was a real estate agent, ready to hand his client the keys to her new home.

"Here's your new dream house, Ms. Jade! It is already nicely furnished so you're good to go!" declared the overly cheerful realtor.

"Thank you," his client responded politely, putting the accepted keys into her jeans' pocket. Jade gazed at the countryside scenery around her, smiling happily. "It's wonderful here! And everything sounds so peaceful."

The proud man nodded while tugging the top of his bright blue blazer. "Yes, it's the perfect, private community for a little R and R! You'll have peace and quiet all day!"

"It's great that I don't need to buy any furniture, but do you know why the previous home owners left everything?"

The perky real estate agent continued to display a wide, pearly grin. "They probably were just in a hurry to go somewhere. Well, too late for them! You've already _paid_, Ms. _Jade_!"

The woman smiled and shook her head at the corny rhyme, before retrieving one of the packing boxes from her convertible. With the parcel in her arms, Jade looked to the right side of her home at the house next to hers. Oddly enough that the little cape appeared to be made almost entirely out of red bricks, including the rooftop, it also seemed to never be occupied.

"That's strange," she commented, "I have been here at least several times, and I never see the neighbors. Are they ever home?"

She turned her sights back towards the realtor… just in time to see him already hurrying into his car, which was just as big and polished as the man's teeth and poufy hairpiece.

"Only in the evening," he replied, still smiling wide while quickly shutting the car door. "So you won't hear a peep all day!"

"But I arrive home, late afternoon. So how are the neighbors-?"

"Congratulations, Ms. Jade!"

The shiny sedan sped off.

"…at night?"

After blinking in brief bewilderment at the realtor's superb imitation of a race car driver, the woman shrugged to herself, and began setting up in her new, quiet abode.

* * *

><p>That evening, Jade enjoyed a drink of warm, soothing, chamomile tea, returned the empty cup to its plate on her bureau, and settled in bed for the night. Under the soft, ginger colored blanket, she welcomed the lulling, melodious chirps of crickets, emitting through the bedroom's open window.<p>

Smiling, the relaxed woman looked around the pleasant, earth-tone decorated room and thought, 'This is such a beautifully furnished house. I wonder why it was so inexpensive?'

She yawned and contently closed her light green eyes.

During the night, Jade had partly awoken, for she heard banging and excited voices coming from outside. She knew the loud sounds were given off from the small and somewhat unkempt brick house, as it was the only home that was closest to her new rancher. Then she heard another voice. They all sounded the same, but all very annoying.

The woman opened her eyes and was now fully awake. 'Well, it sounds like my neighbors are finally home...'

Being an inquisitive person, Jade got out of bed and peered out her window. Someone opened the door of the brick house, and two short figures rushed in. Its porch light went on, but everyone was already inside. They were still loud, even in the red dwelling, so Jade closed the window and went back to bed.

With the closed window, the voices were now muffled, so the woman couldn't clarify the conversation, but she rather not care and try to go to sleep. But suddenly, an even brasher and much deeper voice went on calling to the beings inside the house. The voices argued a bit and fell silent.

Jade sighed with relief and shut her eyes. But then, she heard what sounded like strong wind, gusting over and over by the neighboring house. "Great, is that a storm coming?" she groaned.

The woman noticed that there were no raindrops hitting the window glass. Plus, the local trees were not affected by the sudden storm; not a single leaf or branch was moving.

Being too tired to contemplate on the bizarre weather, Jade finally fell back to sleep, only to be abruptly snapped awake by a loud howl and… something slamming onto her house's roof!

Startled, the muzzy woman sprung up in bed. "Ah! What?! Who just ran over a dog?!"

At that point, she heard something roll and drop, followed by yipping that faded off. The first, three voices began cheering. After a few breaths for composure, Jade pushed back her ruffled, sandy-brown hair from her face, slumping in bed again.

When the voices became quiet, she slowly closed her eyelids once more. But just before she resumed sleeping, music began blaring from the brick house. Jade waited for an hour, and yet the same song kept replaying as the celebrating still continued. She tried blocking out the ruckus with earplugs, headphones… then earplugs _with_ headphones, but nothing worked. It was like trying to ignore a thunderstorm during a rock concert with fire truck sirens as the singers!

Restless, the woman gave up and headed into the kitchen; towards her cupboard to prepare another cup of herbal tea. Blinking tiredly, she stood in front of the open cabinet, observing the cups and plates rattle from the music's pounding beats and her neighbors' off-key singing (if she could even justify it as singing).

"Oy… So much for 'a little R and R'…"

And with a heaving sigh, the longing for peace school teacher, pulled out a massive mug from the vibrating cupboard… For a tiny teacup was far from being enough to sooth her frazzled nerves, this erratic evening.


	2. Unreality Slaps Reality

_Unreality Slaps Reality_

The next night, Jade went to bed as usual. However, this time she decided to leave the window open.

"Alright, let's hear what has my noisy neighbors so worked up that they have to party all night," she told herself in a low tone, while brushing her long hair like she normally does every evening…

"Ow!"

Every evening that isn't so restlessly hair pulling, that is.

As weary as she was from not getting proper sleep, the teacher was in fact, anxious to learn about her neighbors' nightly gathering. But ultimately, she began to drift off.

And just when the woman was in much needed slumber, a loud commotion woke her right up…

"Bro! Open up! Let us in!" two urgent voices pleaded between the brash banging on a door.

"Hey, Bros! Oh, don't tell me… he's at it AGAIN?!" asked a third voice with a hearty snort.

"Yeah, Bro! We ran over as fast as our hooves can hustle!" answered the first voice.

'_Hooves_?' wondered Jade.

"Yo! Hurry up, Bro!" yelled the second voice. "The wolf is right behind our tails!"

Jade sat up and was now really puzzled; which was rare for an expert educator, such as herself.

'Did he just say..?'

"Well c'mon in, Bros! Y'know dat loser can't blow MY house down!" laughed the third voice.

Hastily, the woman stumbled out of bed and looked out her window again. She glimpsed the two short figures hurriedly going in the red cape house as before, with the owner of the third voice bolting the door, and the porch light of the home was turned on.

But this night, Jade didn't return to her bed. She was now, far too curious to rest, and had to see what was coming that had her unknown, odd neighbors running for their lives. Soon, the lighting revealed a big shape that stepped forth in the lamp's glow. The fearsome figure stood tall in front of the small, brick house.

The shocked woman's mouth went agape. 'I… don't believe it.'

**"Little pigs… little pigs! Let me come in!"** the tall being demanded.

**"Not by the hairs of our chinny chin chins!"** retorted the three voices together.

**"Then I'll huff and I'll puff! And I'll blow your house in!" **

The gaunt, gray wolf took a few back paces on his hind legs. He held up his rope-suspendered, green trousers as he took a big breath and began blowing at the red brick house. But the sturdy dwelling remained intact with three, identical, portly pigs looking out its lit window, teasing the lean lupine with goofy faces and blowing raspberries.

Jade's non-blinking, wide eyes darted side to side; from the super-lung-inflated invader, then to the laughing and snorting happy hogs.

"My neighbors… are talking _pigs_," the stunned woman said out loud to no one in particular. "Well... silly me, I should've expected them after seeing the huffing, puffing, talking _WOLF_!"

The wolf panted, hunched down while leaning on his patched-up pants. After a breather, he straightened up and shook a clenched paw at the pigs. Angry, he scrambled to the top of their house and proceeded to climb down its chimney.

As this unbelievable scenario unfolded before her, Jade slapped her face, shook her head, rubbed her eyes and… slapped her face again.

'Nope, I'm not hallucinating from improper sleep!' she thought with a right eye twitch.

Without warning, the wolf went flying out of the pig's chimney and impacted on the woman's rooftop. His back was steaming as he fell to the ground. Downtrodden and sore, the conquered canine quickly got up on all fours, and began yipping and howling as he ran off with his tail between his legs.

Jade then looked towards the T-shirt and jean wearing pigs swaggering outside on their hind legs, laughing away.

"Dat wolf's such a tool! Hey, how many times is he gonna crash n' burn in my boilin' cauldron, Bros?" asked the third pig, very mockingly.

The second pig snorted in amusement. "Yo, I know, Bro! Ol' Big Bad gots some major problems!"

"Yeah, dat loser will never win 'cause we always score! We won again, Bros!" the first pig oinked while posing in triumphant.

The third pig pointed a front hoof towards his house. "Y'know what this calls for, Bros?"

"Aw, yeah! Party time! WOOH!" shouted his two brothers with wide-open grins.

The young pigs began to fist-pump (or precisely, hoof-pump) the air as they oinked and cheered…

"Power to the PIGS! Woot! Woot! Power to the PIGS! Power to the PIGS! Woot! Woot!"

The peachy-pink trio marched back in the brick house. Soon, they were singing out of sync to loud music, which was the same song over and over…

**_"Hey, I bet'cha_ **_**it's gonna be a great night, TONIGHT! Gonna be a great night, TONIGHT! Hey, I bet'cha it's gonna be a great, GREAT night tonight, TONIGHT! Gonna be a..!"**_

By now, Jade was back sitting in bed, with her hands holding up her face. For the completely confounded woman almost fell out of her house twice from tilting too far out her window. Although she was still stumped from this whole, irrational incident, the teacher concluded that she could now relate with her students on what it is liked being confused and… she didn't like being confused one bit!

'This cannot… be happening,'she thought while finally blinking normally again. 'And yet… it is. So this explains why the previous home owners rushed out... and my easy mortgage.'

The music continued to blare as Jade got out of bed. She disregarded the chamomile tea; no mugful amount was going to make this chaotic, ear-splitting evening any more sense or composed.

"That's it," she grumpily sighed. "I'm heading for the couch…"

The pigs' pitch seemed to becoming louder. The woman felt her throbbing forehead.

"...and for some aspirin. Oy vey…"

Feeling disgruntled, Jade grabbed her bed's blanket and pillow, and trudged into the pallor while wishing her ranch house had a basement…

A nice, deep, _noiseless_ basement


	3. A Pig-headed Conversation

_A __Pig-Headed Conversation_

The following morning, the happy hogs came out of their untidy, red abode.

"Welp, Bros," said the first pig while stretching his short limbs, "I better get back and make my straw house again before I crash right here!"

"Same here, Bros," agreed the second pig. "I gotta get some sticks for my crib!"

The third pig who owned the brick house, nodded. "Okay, Bros... same time tonight?"

Grins spread across his fellow partying pigs' faces. "Aw, yeah! Ya know it, Bro!"

The young swine oinked and gleefully snorted, giving each other a fist-bump (or rather, hoof-bump). But then, the first pig stopped laughing with his beady brown eyes widening.

"'Sup, Bro? Is the wolf comin' early?" asked the second pig.

The first pig directed his two siblings to turn around. "No, Bro! Way better than a wolf."

"A cougar!" exclaimed the third pig as he barged between his brothers, pointing to the pretty woman walking straight towards them.

"Whoa… Bros..!" they gasped excitedly.

The tubby triplets patted the strands of hair on the top of their heads, and pulled their too short shirts to reach their baggy blue jeans to no avail, as the greeting _cougar_ approached with a small smile.

"Good morning. My name is Jade. I just moved in the house next door and-"

The second pig elbowed his third sibling. "Yo, ya holdin' out on us, Bro!"

The third pig shrugged abruptly. "Hey! Seriously, Bro... I'd no idea about the hotty!"

The second pig skimmed over at the silver convertible near Jade's property, and gave his brick-building brother a snarky smirk. "Oh, sure..! Ya got this lioness with a sweet ride, denned _right_ next to ya, and ya like completely in the dark?" He shook his head in disapproval, clicking his tongue. "Not cool, Bro! So not cool!"

"Yeah, Mom told us to make our way and share what we had. Dat includes she-kitty, too, Bro!" mentioned the first pig with a stern frown.

Jade stood there, speechless. The sensible woman was still grasping the concept that she was actually trying to engage a conversation with a hog family. But eventually, she regained her focus and her voice, and cleared her throat. "Excuse me. Ah… pigs?"

The third pig pushed his siblings aside. "Please, call me Bob, beautiful!"

The woman shrugged her shoulders. "Well, alright. Hello, _Bob Beautiful_."

The other two snickered, angering their brother. "Hey, shut up! Quit it, Bros!"

"So… Bob," Jade lightly cut in with a sigh, "since we are neighbors, we should-"

"Totally hang out!" interrupted the first pig. "I hear ya, she-kitty! But I think we better finish tellin' ya our names before we jump the barrel."

The woman scoffed and rolled her eyes. 'At first, I was surprised about talking animals,' she thought. 'Now after hearing their intellect, I truly don't see the amazement anymore.'

"I'm Bob," continued the first pig with pride.

Jade arched a thin brown eyebrow. "But isn't that your… um, brother's name?"

"Uh-duh! He just said it was! He's Bob Red 'cause he wears a red tee and built his crib outta bricks."

The brick obsessed pig in the middle of the three, lifted his shirt. "I like red," he giggly oinked.

Jade simply stared at him with half-lidded eyes. "I can see that."

The first pig resumed the introduction. "I build straw houses. But yellow sounds weak, so I changed my name to Bob Gold!" And he sported his yellow shirt.

"Hmm. Manly," responded the unimpressed woman, her tired tone hinting with sarcasm.

The second pig butted in front of his two mad siblings. "And I'm called Bob Brown, 'cause I do wonders with sticks." He gestured to his brown shirt.

"I never would've guessed that one," said Jade with another eye-roll.

"Besides sticks," added Bob Brown as he took her hand, "I can work magic on other things- OW!"

Being jealous, Bob Red had pulled his brother's short curled tail, turning his swoons into squeals. "Yo! Yo! Lay off, Bro! I was only playin'!"

Bob Gold snorted at his red shirted sibling's action. "Yeah, why'd ya do dat to our Bro? Bro?!"

"Bro, he can't hit on her! She's my neighbor!" snapped the brick-building pig.

Jade's smile resurfaced. She came to feel a little more respected. "Why, thank you, Bob Red!"

"Hey, you're MY neighbor so I get to date ya!"

And at that moment, Jade's smile and her false moment of respect, sank rock bottom.

"Date me?" she muttered. "When _Bobs_ fly." The woman stared up at the sky; dreading on seeing any cued winged-swine soaring into the clouds.

The brown shirted pig pouted at Bob Red. "Yo, dat ain't fair, Bro!"

Bob Gold stomped his back hoof, agreeing with his stick-stacking sibling. "Yeah, Bro! Ya can't hog all the glory! We practically live here, too!" He pointed to himself. "Besides, this Bro should date she-kitty first 'cause I'M the oldest!"

"Just by ten seconds, Bro!" Bob Red retorted. "Dat ain't gonna count!"

"Bobs, that is not why I'm here… and it's pronounced: _that's not going to _count," corrected the school teacher since she couldn't ignore the pigs' poor grammar anymore.

But the immature pigs seem to be indifferent to neither her attempted explanation nor lessons in proper sentence structure.

"Bros, remember, Mom wants us to share!" Bob Gold reminded his brothers again.

Bob Brown shrugged. "Yo, I'm in if the chic's willin' to play ring around the porkies."

"Hey, I'm all for dat, Bros!" agreed Bob Red, excitedly.

By this time, the annoyed woman was pinching the top bridge of her nose, mumbling to herself, "And I thought some men were real pigs." She called out, "Bobs..."

Meanwhile, the oblivious swine were still focused on how to triple date their new neighbor…

"Hey, it's settled! We flip a coin to pick which Bro dates the Bra first."

"Yo, Bros, I got it! We pig pool in dat sic car of hers!"

"Bobs..," repeated Jade.

"Yeah, Bros! I bet we all fit if we hold our breaths!"

"…BOBS!"

The pigs stopped their overly enthused oinking and snorting, and looked up at the irritated woman as she took a quick breath to relax. "Thank you. I'm flattered… in a freaked out sort of way, but I simply cannot date none of you."

The pigs exchanged looks of disappointment.

"Oh, Bros, we shouldn't have taken dat mud dip in the tub!" complained Bob Red, poking out dried dirt from his ear.

Bob Gold displayed a long frown. "I guess we ain't good enough for ya, she-kitty."

Bob Brown began to sniff his shirt and under his arms, then at his brothers, and sneered in disgust.

Their let down expressions made Jade feel a tad regretful. She waved her hands expressively. "No, no. It's nothing against any of you. It's just that… it wouldn't be… appropriate."

"Why not, Bra?" they asked, all at once.

"Oh, well…" She pondered for a moment. "I'm… Kosher?"

"Ouch, dat's cold, Bra!" whined the three siblings, crossing their front limbs in displeased defeat.

'Thank goodness that actually worked!' thought the very, very-times-infinity, relieved woman.

Now that the dating dilemma was thankfully over, Jade got back to the reason why she had come originally. "So, Bob Red and… Bobs, since we are now neighbors, I'd like to share respect for one another."

The pigs were still sniffing and snorting at themselves and at each other...

'In which I'm _really_ having difficulty in achieving right now,'she mentally added before continuing. "I teach elementary students. I have moved here to enjoy some peace after my daily hard work. I am sure you three can relate?"

"Pfft! WE got jobs?!" laughed Bob Red. "Hah! Oh, dat's rich, Bra!"

The other pigs chuckled, while the woman was yawning instead of laughing. Bob Brown jabbed a hoof into the brick-building pig's chest. "Yo, watch out, Bro! Ya borin' her!"

After another yawn, Jade shook her head. "No, I'm not bored. I am feeling a bit tired. You see, Bobs, it's rather difficult for me to get a full night's sleep when my three neighbors are shouting, torturing a wolf, and having Karaoke with repetitious music every evening."

She then knelt on her knee to be at the pigs' eye level and gave an encouraging smile. "Do you think you could keep things down, for the sake of respect of your new neighbor? Please?"

The triplets silently stared at each other for a few moments, and then… fell down, laughing in hysterics. The poor woman's hopes and smile... dropped immediately.

The yellow shirted pig held his round belly and faced Bob Red. "She-kitty's way too funny, Bro!"

"I know, Bro! I know!" agreed his cackling, brick-building brother.

Bob Brown was swaying on his back. "She don't know how the story goes!? Good one, Bra!"

By this time, Jade had straightened up, feeling annoyed. "It's: she _doesn't_ know..," she rectified with a sigh while brushing the dirt off her black pants. "Listen. I am not trying to be funny! It isn't fair for you three to be so loud in the middle of the night, not to mention impolite as well!"

The laughing pigs settled down (to some extent) and stood back up. Bob Red wiped his teary eyes. "Don't worry, Bros! I got this!" He placed his front hooves on his widespread hips as he looked up at Jade. "Look here, little lady..."

Insulted, the woman's eyebrows furrowed as she stared down at the stubby swine.

"_Little_ _lady__?_" she repeated. "Even without high heels, I'm _twice_ your height!"

Bob Red gestured to his siblings and to himself. "We... the Three Little Pigs," he stated matter-of-factly. "Out there..." The pig pointed to the woods in the distance. "...the Big Bad Wolf. He comes after us, and we get'em in the end."

The straw-structuring pig snickered and snorted, thinking of the wolf falling bottom first into his brother's boiling pot, again and again... and again.

"Heh, END!"

"Our Pop, Unks, n' Gramps busted up wolves, and now it's our turn," Bob Red resumed. "Dat's how it was and dat's how it is, Bra!"

Jade let out another bothered sigh. She was now fully aware on how the term: pig-headed, truly originated. She folded her arms over her lavender camisole. "But I don't figure your relatives partied till the cows came home."

"Easy, Bra, we ain't cows!" Bob Brown chuckled dismissively. "Cows are clueless on havin' a good time!"

The angry woman ignored that ridiculous response. "Oy, just keep it down, please! This routine of yours makes me so distressed at night!"

Bob Red gave a big, snout-y smile. "Hey… Chillax, Bra! Ya know what'cha need?"

She tiredly blinked. "Eight hours of sleep?"

"More like eight hours of partyin'! Ya can totally hang with me n' my Bros tonight, after we trounce the wolf!"

"Ya can bring the onion dip!" added Bob Gold.

Bob Brown strutted up to Jane. "And with your whole... _Kosher _thing," he whispered and winked, "we won't tell anybody, Bra!"

The pigs' incredible ignorance made the frustrated, worn-out woman hit herself… repeatedly. Fortunately for Jade's face, she used the palm of her hand, rather than the trunk of a nearby oak tree.

"Are you pigs serious?" she questioned, rubbing her tightly shut eyelids to vainly stop her left one from twitching.

Bob Red eagerly nodded his head. "Uh-huh! We cool like dat!"

"Oh, for the love of literature, it's pronounced: _WE'RE_ cool like _THAT_!" spat the discouraged school teacher, followed by another drained sigh… yet again. She was debating what was more numerous: her sighing or the pigs' grammar errors. But she had to stop calculating; the migraine made her lose count.

After massaging her throbbing head, the woman scoffed and walked away, throwing her hands up in riled resign.

"Oy vey, this was completely hopeless!"

"Yo! What's wrong, Bra?" Bob Brown called out to her. "Ya think ya too good for us?!"

"Hey! Relax, Bro," laughed Bob Red. "That cranky chic's clueless! The Bra's got no clue what she's missin' out on!"

"Yeah! She-kitty says she's a teacher? What does dat Bra teach kids, how to bore themselves?!" joked Bob Gold.

The red shirted pig lounged his front limbs over his brothers' shoulders'. "Ah, forget her, Bros! If she can't take the heat, then the... _The Big Bad Bra_ better move back to Lames-Ville!"

"Ah-hah-hah! THE BIG BAD BRA!" chimed in the other two hogs as the three laughed, oinked, and belly slapped into each other.

Meanwhile, Jade continued to stomp back to her house. Over her shoulder, she glanced back at the smug pigs mocking her. She firmly grasped and pulled the door's handle and turned around in the open entrance, glaring and narrowing her light green eyes at her stout, snickering neighbors.

"I'm not going anywhere!" retorted the huffed woman. "And… I am NOT a BRA!"

And she slammed the door.

The stick-stacking pig laughed to his brick-building brother, "Whoa! Yo, Bro, dat new neighbor of yours gots some major anger issues!"

"Don't I know it, Bro!"

Their straw-structuring sibling paused for a moment. "Say, Bros, did she-kitty just say she's _not_ wearin' a bra?"

The Three Little Pigs then, grinned widely. "SWEET!"

* * *

><p>For the next two nights, almost like clockwork, the ruckus remained a ritual. The tired teacher was getting to the point that she did feel like moving out. At times, she felt elementary school was more peaceful; even at recess!<p>

As the sleepless woman lied in bed with wide, pink (and still twitching) eyes, her ears endured the loud cliché voices again…

**"Little pigs… little pigs! Let me come in!"**

**"Not by the hairs of our chinny chin chins!"**

**"Then I'll huff and I'll puff! And I'll blow your house in!"**

Again, the gusting of the wolf's pointless attempt to blow down the brick house was heard, following with the sounds quieting.

Jade sighed. 'Wait for it…' She started counting off with her fingers. 'Three, two, one…'

The loud thud of the yowling lupine was heard on her roof. He rolled to the ground and went off yipping in the distance.

'And there he goes,' she thought sarcastically.

The drained woman wrapped a pillow around her head. "Why won't the wolf just try something else?" she groaned. "Like simply kicking the door down?!"

Soon afterwards, the pig triplets began cheering; followed by singing (and squealing), to the same song, over and over…

**_"Gonna sing it again!"_**

…and over…

**_"We gonna! We Gonna! We GONNA! Gonna SING it! We..!"_**

Their music pulsated through Jade's bedroom walls, causing a framed childhood photo to shake and loosen from its once-thought-to-be-secured nail. She sat up in bed, rubbing fingertips around her temples.

"This isn't a fairy tale…"

**"I bet'cha _it's gonna be a great night, TONIGHT! Gonna be a great night, TONIGHT! Hey, I bet'cha it's gonna be a great, GREAT..!"_**

The shaking childhood picture, drops and shatters to the floor.

"…It's a never-ending NIGHTMARE!" the insomniac hollered over the noise pollution.

The fuming woman clutched her cell phone to call that sneaky, secretly balding, real estate agent, but before she dialed his number, her fingers froze. Jade was so proud of her beautiful ranch home, and it took a lot of effort with balancing between moving and work. She decided she was not going to give up her dream house.

Feeling calmer, Jade placed her phone back on the bedside bureau. She didn't even consider calling the police. Even if the authorities did believe this crazy situation and deemed her sane, she knew those three, smart-aleck pests would only resume partying after the police were long gone. Besides, after the trio insulted her… this was personal.

"I am NOT leaving!" Jade protested proudly, giving herself the willpower to rise out of bed. "Those... _Bob Brothers_ are. The… _Big Bad Bra_ will make certain of it!"

And after getting dressed, the strong-minded school teacher went in the kitchen, ignored the teabags, and grabbed the coffee canister to begin conducting a lesson plan for the pigs next door.


	4. The Big Bad Bra

_The Big Bad Bra_

Early morning and all through the day, Jade worked on her brain storm. She pulled some strings with a couple of phone calls… with one call being quite unusual. And with a very odd checklist, the woman drove to an arts and crafts shop and the supermarket, and bought a bunch of seemingly random items; including a can of bright neon paint and a large bag of ice. Later, at home, she kept checking on things in the oven, and poured some fruit punch into a large rain barrel in her yard.

When it became late, Jade had finished her tasks in the kitchen. She went into the bathroom and slanted a folded umbrella near its entrance. She then, stood on the bathtub rims to reach a sizeable skylight window. Afterwards, the woman carefully stepped down and turned on the tub's faucet. When the bathtub filled with water, she shut off the valve and poured the bag of ice in.

Jade glimpsed at her watch and hurried into her bedroom. Again like clockwork, Bob Gold and Bob Brown ran over to their brother's home, begging to be left inside. And as always, the Big Bad Wolf storms over, just as the pigs go in the safety of the brick house.

**"Little pigs… little pigs! Let me come in!"**

In the meantime, Jade was sitting by her open window, lip syncing and conducting a hand to the shouts…

**"Not by the hairs of our chinny chin chins!"**

**"Then I'll huff and I'll puff! And I'll blow your house in!"**

The wolf, of course, begins to blow at the house with the arrogant pigs taunting and laughing at their exhausted, gray foe. Then as before, he began to scramble to the roof.

Jade arose from her chair and smirked. 'It's about time this fairy tale gets a re-write.'

After watching the desperate lupine go down the red bricked chimney, the prepared woman went by the kitchen while giving it an approved glance, then stepped by the bathroom and waited.

As she had obviously predicted, the yowling, steaming wolf sprung out of the Bob Brothers' fire place vent and crashed on her rooftop. Howling, he rolled on the roof shingles and fell. However, instead of the usual impact of the ground, the Big Bad Wolf came through Jade's wide-open skylight window and dropped tail first into the cold, water filled bathtub!

The wolf greatly sighed with relief as his burns were soothed by the cool ice water. After he leapt out of the tub and shook the moisture from his fur, he noticed the woman (whom was still dry, thanks to her umbrella) standing by the bathroom's open door. The towering canine stood back up on his hind legs… growling fiercely.

But instead of screaming and running away, Jade simply scoffed while closing and putting the drenched umbrella aside. The wolf's bright yellow eyes widened from sheer astonishment. She didn't flinch from his big, bad presence, at all!

"Oh, please… I grew up with two Mastiff dogs and a Saint Bernard," said Jade unfazed as she viewed the lupine's lanky shape. "I've seen Greyhounds with more meat on their bones."

Hearing this, the wolf emitted deep growls. But this time, the rumbling was from his empty stomach. He clutched it from the hunger pang and pointed a claw at the plucky person.

"You..?"

"I'm Jade, the new neighbor of the Bob Brothers."

The Big Bad Wolf squint an eye with an ear twitch and head tilt. "Who..?"

Jade slightly rolled her eyes and chuckled. She had to admit, for a villainous canine, his perplexed expression was rather… cute.

"My apologies, I mean the '**Little pigs! Little pigs!**'" she revised gruffly, air quoting her fingers to the wolf's overused title. "They came over my house to gloat to me about tricking you, and I rather not listen to the bragging of three piggies. Three… _pudgy_... _plump_… piggies."

The wolf was soundless and motionless. He was extremely intrigued. And by the looks of his watering mouth, he was also… extremely hungry. Jade walked in the bathroom, plucked a small towel from a shelf, and used it to dry the lupine's long muzzle.

"So… to repay me for the cooling bath," she continued calmly, as she tied the towel around his neck like a dinner napkin, "do you think you could do something about my three unwelcome guests, hmm?"

Nodding furiously, the wolf licked his teeth. "Where..?!"

"There," Jade responded while directing with her hand. "In the next room to the left, in the-"

He zoomed past the woman in a millisecond.

"…kitchen," she finished, smoothing her gusted, sandy-brown hair.

The wolf ran into the kitchen and sniffed the air. In the darkened room, he managed to find three, round, pig looking fellows sitting in chairs; they appeared to be frozen in fear.

With a pointy, toothy grin, the Big Bad Wolf rubbed his paws together. "Little pigs… little pigs! After all this time, finally… YOU'RE MINE!"

As fast as a flash, the starved lupine lunged at the silent trio. He was so famished, he didn't notice that his meals were NOT the Three Little Pigs. But were actually three, big, roasted turkeys. They had pink, plastic foam balls for heads, paper cups for snouts, buttons and felt for the eyes and ears that Jade had put yellow, brown and red T-shirts on the cooked poultry… _"Wait a minute!"_

Jade unconcernedly comes into the kitchen, and looks towards you, the reader of this piggy parody.

_"Pardon, Miss, but wouldn't it have been more convincing if you used ham instead of turkeys?" _

The woman observes the wolf's feeding frenzy, briefly raising her foot to bypass one of the Bob-ball heads from bowling into her.

"The wolf's stomach is being convinced," she replies to you. "Besides…" She reaches for her shirt's neckline, revealing a gold necklace with a six pointed star pendant.

"Remember when I told the pigs about me being Kosher..?"

_"Oh, right. Sorry, Miss!" _you respond with a sheepish smile.

So as the Big Bad Wolf was occupied with munching on the three little decoys, Jade retrieved something from the counter, and headed for the front door.

"One taken care of, three to go," she said, nippily closing the entrance and avoiding another beheaded foam head flinging and hitting the door like a stone out of a sling-shot.

* * *

><p>"What a girl… has to go through… to obtain peace… and to prevent… frown lines!" groaned the straining woman while dragging the big barrel containing the fruit punch and placing it in the middle of the Bob Brothers' front yard. Then with the item that she took from her kitchen counter in tow, tiptoed towards the noise filled, red brick house.<p>

Jade grimaced as the familiar song was being played and of course, the pig siblings were utterly, horribly, squalling along…

**"_We won't stop, stop, stop, STOP! So bring the chips and the pop, pop, pop, POP! Gonna shout out every night! DAT'S RIGHT! Shout out every..!"_**

"Oy… Not if the Big Bad Bra can help it!" she grumbled, holding her ears while trying not to grit her teeth down to stubs.

**"Yo, _Monday, Tuesday, HEY! Yo, Wednesday, Thursday, HEY! Yo, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, HEY! HEY! HEY!"_**

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK!

Incredibly, the Bob Brothers had heard the knocking on their front door through their outrageous singing. The brick-building pig opened the door and spotted a gift-wrapped package by his hind hooves. The two other brothers also waddled outside to look at the mystery gift... completely unaware of the pair of light green eyes observing from behind their brick house's overgrown, bordering bush.

"Hey, Bros, check it! I gotta present!"

"Yo, what'cha waiting for, Bro?! Open it!"

"Yeah, Bro! Maybe somebody gots a crush on ya!"

"It's: I _got a_ present. _What are we_ waiting for? And: maybe _someone has_ a crush on _you_," the hidden teacher quietly rectified, after flicking some shrub leaves out of her mouth and hair.

Bob Brown took a closer peek. "There's a note on top. I bet'cha it says who it's from, Bro!"

Bob Red picked up the creased paper and unfolded it.

"Please be able to read!" came a pleading whisper from the bush.

The woman (and not the bush), became relieved and surprised when the poorly pronouncing pig clearly and slowly recited the letter out loud…

* * *

><p>"<em>Dear Three Little Pigs, <em>

_I was a fool for trying to out-fool such smart foes. I have learned that I am far outmatched. Therefore, I will no longer try to catch and eat you. Please except this gift as a token of my accepted defeat. _

_Sincerely, _

_The Big Bad Wolf!"_

* * *

><p>Bob Gold put his hooves over his chubby cheeks. "No… squealin'… way, Bro!"<p>

"I guess the furry wind bag finally gets it! We… the BEST, Bros!" declared Bob Red.

"Yo, Bro, ya gotta open the box now!" demanded his stick-stacking sibling, excitedly.

Bob Gold snuffled the parcel. "Yeah, Bro! Whatever's inside, smells awesome!"

Bob Red bent down and impatiently tore open the parcel. Inside was a bunt cake covered in glaze; flavored with a pig's favorite food…

"TRUFFLE CAKE!" squealed the Bob Brothers as they dived into the dessert, oinking and snorting as the cake covered their snouts and hooves.

Within moments, the greedy Three Little Pigs hogged the entire cake. But they rapidly realized that the aftertaste in their mouths was hot and burning. For Jade had filled the dessert and flavored its icing with truffles; only to hide the super spicy hot sauce she had mixed into the cake batter!

"HOT! HOT-HOT-HOT! H-H-HOT!"

The piggy trio felt like they had flames shooting out of their mouths. Jade swore she saw smoke coming out of their ears and nostrils, but she told herself that her eyes were mistaken from the lack of sleep.

The panicking pigs caught sight of the barrel with the fruit punch inside. There wasn't much to drink, so all three hastily squeezed themselves in the wooden storage to reach the refreshing, fruity beverage that would quench their fires.

When all Jade could see was the bottom of their dark hooves sticking out, she rushed over to the sardine packed pigs and gave the barrel a good kick. It fell over, and the determined woman pushed and rolled the barrel towards a slope on the property. It went spiraling down the hill with so such speed, that the muffled, squealing Bob Brothers bowled down the block until they were out of sight and sound!

Jade deeply exhaled as she parted long bangs from her eyes. 'Phase one and two completed.' She looked at her watch. 'It's time for the finale.'

She briefly left to grab the neon paint can and brush that was in her yard, and quickly carried them to the freshly vacant, red brick house.

Soon after, two construction workers riding in one of their equipment vehicles, drove up to the Three Little Pigs' residence.

"I guess this is the first house to be demolished today?" asked the driving construction worker.

His co-worker looked at the scruffy, cape dwelling. "Uh-huh, I got the call that it's this one."

"Yep, you're definitely right. I see a bright 'X' mark painted over the front door." The man yawned. "But why is this job needed so early? I mean, even the sun isn't awake yet."

"Who cares, the client paid double for this one!" The co-worker could see the inside aftermath of the partying pigs through the windows: overturned chairs, a red couch covered in potato-chip crumbs, and onion dip blots were everywhere; even on the ceiling.

"And if you ask me," he continued, "it's not a moment too soon. This place looks like a pig's sty. Sheesh!"

The men lowered their helmets as they aimed and smashed the brick house with a wrecking ball!

* * *

><p>Daybreak, the now conscious Bob Brothers were clumsily staggering towards their yard. For they were quite dizzy from the long and unexpected barrel ride.<p>

"Ohh… Bros! What happened?" moaned Bob Red while holding up his head.

"Don't… know… Bro," replied Bob Gold queasily, after he awkwardly took off his stained shirt. "Eww… gnarly! My tee… ain't gold anymore, Bros!"

Bob Brown groaned, "Uhh… Bros… I can't stop my eyes from twirlin'!"

The shirtless, straw-structuring pig looked ahead. "What the hay? Uh, Bros..? Where's… the house?!"

They walked in shock and soon concluded that the brick house was still there…Well, sort of…

"My pad! What did this, Bros!?" whined Bob Red as he fell to his knees in front of the red, crumbled construction.

Bob Brown picked up another note off the ground and gulped after he unfolded it. "Yo, Bro, not what… but WHO!"

The former, brick homeowner pig snatched the letter from his brother and read out loud again. But this time, stuttering quite nervously…

* * *

><p>"<em>D-D-Dear Little Pigs, Dear little P-P-Pigs,<em>

_It-it looks like I WIN for I've blown your house IN! Take 'that' to your ch-chinny chin CHINS! Your m-mocks and fun are DONE… so now… you bet-better RUN!_

_S-s-sincerely,_

_The B-B-BIG BAD WOLF!"_

* * *

><p>Bob Gold was frantically jumping up and down. "Dat… I mean… that wolf pawned us, Bros! He was only playin' dumb so he'd catch us and-and-"<p>

"EAT US!" shrieked the triplets in freaked-out unison.

The terrified Three Little Pigs went into a circling, peachy-pink panic; squealing and oinking uncontrollably! And in their haste, they tripped into each other, tumbled down the hill all over again, and after another bout of motion sickness, scurried off in search of a wolf-free neighborhood.

Meanwhile, by a nearby, opened bedroom window…

"Happy trails, piggies," came a pleased voice that sounded like a certain and clever _Big Bad Bra_ as she waved farewell until she could no longer see the curly tails of her fleeing, former neighbors.

After rethinking about her successful, yet bizarre plan with ridding three talking hogs dressed in casual wear, an ironic smile slowly appeared on the school teacher's lips.

'And some of my students' parents believed that watching cartoons during recess would never achieve anything.' she thought with a chuckle before taking another savory sip of warm, soothing, chamomile tea.


	5. Rewarding Repose

_Rewarding Repose_

Jade finished the last of her favorite herbal tea. And since it was still early, and the school teacher called work and collected a couple of unused sick days, she was more than able to do something she had wanted to do properly all week…

"SLEEP!" exclaimed the woman with relief, flopping in her long awaited and inviting bed.

Still clad in a pink top and tan khakis, Jade tossed off her shoes and pulled up the cozy blanket. But right before she drifted off, her nose felt… cold?

The woman fluttered her light green eyes… A familiar pair of bright yellow eyes was blinking back at her, all the while being sniffed by a cool, wet nose that belonged to a very tall animal, sitting by her bedside…

Startled, and shooting up in bed, Jade quickly gathered that her rid-the-piggies project had forgotten something… or some_one_. She blinked widely at the not-so-tiny flaw of her master plan.

'Oh… Right. _Him_.'

Yes, Jade had overlooked the idea that the Big Bad Wolf would still be inside herhouse! She assumed the wolf would have just left, after he thought he succeeded with wolfing down the Three Little Pigs; thanks to the pig-masqueraded, roast turkeys. But instead, he had shyly hid himself until now.

"Hello?" she asked the wolf with an uncertain smile.

The satisfied lupine answered with a loud belch, making the woman wince and turn her head. His old rope-suspenders had popped from the size of his big belly, which had taken over the role of holding up his pants.

Jade faced him again and raised an eyebrow, questioningly. "Why… are you still here?"

The wolf leaned forward and gave her face a long lick, panting happily at her. That was his canine way of thanking Jade for the ice water and for the three delicious meals. He had never felt so full in his life. He untied the towel from his neck that she had given him, and held it out for her. The polite woman forced an appreciative grin as she slowly accepted the wolf-sized napkin.

"Um… thank you," she mentioned, carefully and promptly dropping the stained (and much chewed) towel in a nearby basket. "Well… wolf… your misery is over. You can disappear into the woods with no longer worrying about being boiled alive by crude and rude pigs. So do take care and have a boil free life!" She gave a quick wave. "Goodbye!"

Jade lied down and pretended to sleep. A minute past and she cautiously opened one eye. She knew it; the wolf was still there and still sitting.

"Why… won't you disappear?" she inquired with a slight groan.

"I… like it here," was the simple reply.

Knowing very well where this was going, Jade sat up in bed once more. "Again, thank you, but you cannot…"

She had trailed off in mid-sentence, for the wolf had placed his silver muzzle on the rim of the bed, whimpering and sorrowfully gazing up at her with shiny pupils doubled in size. Jade shook her head. "Oh... Oh, no! No! That's not going… to work… Oh… please stop the sad puppy-dog eyes!"

He nuzzled Jade's hand with his nose while wagging his bushy, silver tipped tail. But as weary as she felt, the canine adoring woman couldn't help but smile at the begging of the so-called, 'Big Bad Wolf'. She leant her cheek and chin into her palm. "And you're the storybook villain that is supposed to scare children?"

Jade sighed and scratched behind the content canine's ears, causing him to thump his hind foot. "Alright, you win. I surmise I could use a watch-dog… I mean a _watch-wolf_ to keep my new house safe. But..." She shook an index finger to be firm. "There will be NO huffing, puffing and blowing THIS house in, okay?"

Being happy to oblige, the wolf nodded and placed a gray paw on his furry chest. "I will NEVER blow a home in of someone so nice. I promise, Miss Jade, you'll never need to ask me twice!"

After a wordless pause, Jade blinked once. "O-o-okay…"

Talking animals was one thing, but one that always rhymed was still a whole other experience for the levelheaded woman. Nonetheless, _Miss Jade_ smiled warmly at his courtesy. 'At least this one directs me properly without any annoying, three lettered nicknames.'

To make their agreement official, she put out an open, right hand. But in the place of shaking, the wolf sealed the deal with a lick. The woman chuckled at herself. She should have foreseen that grateful gesture and mentally face-palmed, since a lupine-licked hand wasn't exactly ideal for hand to face contact.

Jade yawned as did also the wolf; his eyelids drooping. Stretching, she reclined herself again. "You do look as dog-tired as I am. Well, right beside the bed-"

But before she could finish, the wolf climbed up on the soft mattress and set himself comfortably. And feeling the result from gobbling all three turkeys, he drowsily patted his stuffed stomach, and dozed off… right beside the suddenly wide-eyed and completely caught off guard woman.

"Ah, excuse me, wolf? I meant for you to use the rug _by_ the bed," stated Jade as she tapped his black nose. "Wolf..? Um… Mister Big?"

The finger tapping partly stirred the large lupine. Muttering, _Mister Big_ sleepily smiled and stretched, rested his big head and paws over Jade, and exhaled blissfully; falling deeply asleep.

"Oy... vey!" grunted the poor, pinned woman struggling to move over, but half of the well-fed wolf's weight prevented that. "Oh, well, at least you're warm," she said to him with a relented sigh, trying to make best of her stuck situation. "I'm predicting that I won't need a quilt for the bed, anytime soon."

And Jade was about to fall asleep, too. But being in a very sound sleep, the wolf had begun to snore. The woman wondered how parents could ever get their children to nap by reading fairy tales with such noisy characters.

"Will I _ever_ get a silent night?" she wearily asked the snoozing canine, despite it being morning.

The exhausted educator then thought of her previous insomnia and insane-induced evenings, and shrugged to herself. 'Eh, one snoring, big wolf is better than having three, little pigs snorting to a repetitive, grammar-error filled song.'

She softly smiled and gently placed her arm over the snoozing furry blanket as her heavy eyelids slowly slid shut.

So finally, for these two… **"_Hey, I bet'cha_** **_it's gonna be a great night, TONIGHT! Gonna be a great night TO-!"_**

"Ahem..."

A single, bloodshot eye squints at the singing reader.

"You do NOT want to do that, _dear_. I'm a sleep deprived woman with a WOLF… Do I make myself _clear_?"

You halt your reciting of the infamous lyrics straightaway; quickly grasping your mistake and also that the big, rhyme-conversing canine is starting to rub off on his new, confidant caretaker.

_"Y-yes! So sorry, Miss, I just couldn't resist,"_ you apologize yet again with a nervous grin.

And so with the fully irritating song finally out of the way, the triumphed woman tilted her head in the pillow, and for the first time in days, drifts off in a deep repose, alongside her newfound, unusual companion.

In other words: Jade and the Big Bad Wolf, slept serenely ever after.

* * *

><p><em>Thanks to all who read and comment. There are great illustrations done on my Deviant gallery under GDeNofa! <em>


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